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31 years old
Eating machine and bar hopper extraordinaire with a bladder so small she's always on the prowl. Find her on Twitter: @slackerology.
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Mini vegan burrito & two bulldog margaritas; wanting to poop.

This is a nice place to go if you want to completely ignore the people you're with. With gluttonous portions eaten to the tune of tables full of screaming twenty-something year olds, it's always too loud to talk comfortably unless you want to add to the din. Better to eat, drink, and dread your upcoming bathroom experience.

For a restaurant that sees this many customers, it seems silly that there are only two toilets to serve both male and female customers. The best part is when there's a line and there often is. The bathrooms are at the back of the restaurant behind a small wall in a cramped waiting space where everyone is standing around miserably. The wall doesn't provide much cover, either, and if there are more than two people waiting, you're just hanging out for the whole restaurant to see.

I hope you came here with those friends you're probably not talking to, because you're going to need someone to watch your stuff. You're kind of screwed if you're coming into this bathroom with a coat, a purse, or pretty much anything. There's almost no space to move whatsoever and you'll cringe when your back touches something as you try to maneuver around.

This is an awful place to poop, too, and it scared mine right back up. I've got creaky old lady knees and frankly, I prefer to take twos in a place where I have something to hold onto that's not a sopping wet sink.

The bathroom upstairs is a bit better, probably because no one in their right mind wants to sit in the bootleg greenhouse of a seating area they keep up there. The only thing that makes this bathroom better, really, is that it has just a little more space.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On November 19, 2013, 4:16 pm
What I Did in Here: A very cautious piss.

Shrimp fajitas & three serrano pepper margaritas.

Ah, Caliente Cab. Yeah, don't eat here. The food is somewhat overpriced for not being very good and the margaritas are what you really want. If you do decide to eat here, do yourself a solid and make sure to order your drinks directly from the bar. Ordering at your table hikes the price up more than you'd expect.

The restrooms are down some stairs located to the right of the host stand. Mind the last step, too. It's random as hell and after a few drinks, you just might miss it.

The bathroom is nicely tiled and you can tell they try to keep it clean. I went three times in a single evening and saw a different employee cleaning it two of those three times. It also smelled rather nice in here. Something freesia. Something cheap. But something way better than the smells you find in your average bathroom.

Don't worry about toilet paper. There's plenty. In fact, bring a small wad with you for after you wash your hands. Here's why: the hand dryer is weak and there were no paper towel options, a relatively small drawback unless you're as impatient as I am. There's also an automatic waste bin that's supposed to work, but it kind of doesn't. This place is poorly lit, too, so the mirror is not exactly a good gauge of how your looks have deteriorated throughout the night.

Overall, this is a good, clean place to pee, but the little things take it down a notch.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On November 19, 2013, 8:18 am
What I Did in Here: Pissed a gallon and spent ten years under a hand dryer.

A large coffee from the Dunkin' Donuts several blocks back.

Surely not the best bathroom out there, and if you're wandering Emmons Avenue, you've certainly got options, but it's a very decent, easy-access bathroom if you need one. And speaking of options, I understand the need to piss here without actually wanting to eat here. Although several steps above the unprecedented shittiness of Friday's, it's still Applebee's.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to waltz on in here without drawing attention to the fact that you're going to waltz right back out.

Tactics: Upon entering the restaurant, if you loop right, you can avoid the host or hostess to the left of the entrance as you head around the bar. At the end of the bar, you'll see a small corridor right in front of you. Break for the bathrooms.

Ladies should find this place fairly well-suited to their needs. It's nothing fancy, but it's got the important stuff.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 17, 2013, 12:23 pm
What I Did in Here: A pee n' run.

Bottled water and a bag of Dirty potato chips.

Typical of a campus this size, there are bathrooms upon bathrooms, and some are way better than others. The best ones by far are located in Boylan Hall and my absolute favorite is the one in Boylan's basement.

To the right of the building's main entrance are some stairs that lead to the basement. The cafeteria is to your left and the bookstore is to your right. Head right towards the bookstore and take another right. The bathroom's on your left.

The stalls are normal sized. That is, there's enough room to do your business without your knees touching the door when you squat. There are stalls on the left and right. If you use the ones on the right, you will find a sort of window ledge that runs along the length of them. While you piss, this is a surprisingly good place to put your stuff.

There's also a good deal of traffic at this bathroom, but it is a clean and reliable restroom nonetheless. Toilet paper, soap, paper towel. Don't worry about it, it's there. One of the main reasons this place is so popular with the ladies is the vanity area when you first enter the bathroom. It's quite large, able to accommodate about five people comfortably. There's plenty of counter space for your shit and a whole lot of mirror. If you still can't get enough of your face, there's yet another mirror to double check your status as you're exiting the bathroom.

Accessibility is not usually an issue. Even if you aren't a student here, it's often quite easy to get in. A good trick is to simply say that you've forgotten your student I.D. Yes, they'll ask for some sort of state identification, but only so they can see your name and write up a temporary I.D for you to carry around.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 17, 2013, 11:54 am
What I Did in Here: Peed and fixed my face.

Raspberry Iced Tea; sufficiently grossed out

If ever there is a time to be juvenile, it's when you encounter bathrooms like this. If cooties exist, places like this are where you catch them.

Seriously. Just go somewhere, anywhere else. There are plenty of alternatives available to you in this area, namely the Starbucks right across the street. Hell, you'd be better off at Burger King ( also right across the street ).

The thing about this Mc Donald's is that for years, it's been something of a hobo haven. It's gotten marginally better, but after dark, this is where they often come to sleep, eat, and shit.

If for whatever reason you have to use this bathroom, be prepared for the stench, the general uncleanliness, and the knowledge that someone filthy probably just took his weekly bath in there. If you're expecting toilet paper, forget it. If there actually happens to be some, you won't want to touch it anyway.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 16, 2013, 10:16 am
What I Did in Here: Not a damn thing. I couldn't do it.

Spring Rolls, Chicken & String Beans, and a whole lot of LITs.

This place has great ambience going for it. Intimate lighting and nice, cozy seating if you snag one of the many tables with cushy couches. It feels like a date spot, but it's kind of not.

The food is okay, the service is terrible ( good luck flagging down your waiter if you need anything ), but the happy hour is an afternoon drunk's dream. More importantly, the bathrooms are clean enough that you'll feel comfortable drinking your weight in alcohol without dreading every trip you'll inevitably make to the bathroom.

There are two bathrooms: one upstairs and one downstairs. I almost never use the one downstairs, because it's too close to the kitchen, there's too much going on, and this is the bathroom people are more likely to use.

The beauty of the upstairs bathroom is simply this: the upper floor of the restaurant is huge and almost always unattended. There's nothing up there but a couple of large tables, empty space, and a bar, which is also unattended. It seems funny to me that the staff is so trusting, or more likely, so damn lazy as to think that one of these days they won't get jacked for their liquor stash. That is, if they haven't already.

But coming up here always feels like you're doing something naughty or engaging in some secret mission. And I guess you kind of are. It's also fun to look over the railing at the restaurant below. As for the location of the bathrooms, once you come up the stairs, round the banister and head left. Hook another left and the restrooms are right there.

The ladies' room has two toilets and it is somewhat cramped, but thankfully, it's a rare thing where you have to deal with more than one person being in there at a time. The stalls themselves are clean and always stocked with toilet paper, so have at it. Provided you're alone in the bathroom or you just don't give a damn, this is also an optimal place to take a deuce.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Squatted At Chef Yu @ 520 8th Ave
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 9:48 am
What I Did in Here: Peed and peed and peed until my bladder could be trusted enough to hop the train.

Three screwdrivers, two Coronas, and a shot of B-52.

Perfect for a boys' night out or just some good old-fashioned entertainment. Minus the old-fashioned. Minus the good, too, if you catch this place on an off day.

But let's face it: nobody comes here for the toilets.

Before 9 pm, they're coming for the blissfully cheap happy hour prices. After 9, they're staying for the bikini-clad chicks that start dancing on the bar.

Depending on what week you come ( because the turnover really is that high ), the girls are either attractive enough for you to "make it rain" with no qualms or so unfortunate looking that you find yourself hesitantly doling out pity cash for their efforts. Suffice to say, you should probably do that anyway.

Now for the bathrooms. There are two--a men's and a ladies'-- each featuring a single toilet. Here's where it really pays to be a lady in an establishment like this. As you can imagine, the majority of patrons here are men, which, in a pleasantly surprising twist, renders the ladies' bathroom a hell of a lot cleaner than theirs. The bartenders also use the ladies' restroom to change into their outfits. As a result, they seem to make it a point to keep their space clean and well-stocked with toilet paper.

I did, however, have the misfortune of witnessing the state of the men's room when one of the girls showed up late for her shift and seemed to be taking her sweet ass time in the ladies' room. The men's room was empty and I had to pee too badly to care.

.. Or so I thought.

There was no toilet paper and I'm not sure there ever was, because I'd been there for awhile and there was no way that many shits had been taken in that amount of time. Trust me. This place is dead before 9 o'clock and I'd been there since a little after 7. The toilet was predictably piss splattered and I couldn't get close to it even if I wanted to because some genius must have peed directly onto the floor with the amount of urine surrounding the toilet.

Needless to say, I waited. And waited. And damn near pissed myself by the time that girl got out of the bathroom, but alas.

This rating is based on the ladies' bathroom only, as I did find it very decent. For you gents? Just remember: you didn't come here for the toilets.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On November 15, 2013, 11:05 am
What I Did in Here: Took a torrential piss and did a mirror check to see how drunk I looked on a scale of 1-10.

Carrot Cake & Beer.

This place. There's cake. There's beer. There's music. There are plenty of places to lounge about and waste a shit load of time doing a shit ton of nothing. The Cake Shop is a perfect little happy place.

It's also a hipster stronghold and the bathroom largely caters to its' clientele. By that, I mean this bathroom is a poser. The cake isn't a lie, but the bathroom sure is.

The graffiti, the stickers, and what have you seem almost strategically placed to make this bathroom seem a lot grittier and thereby a lot "cooler" than it actually is. Don't get me wrong: it's still quite gross. The floor is often wet, but you will be happy to find that the toilet paper is not and there's actually soap in the dispensers.

You don't get to be cool and gritty when you've got soap and toilet paper.

All in all, a decent place to pee if you absolutely must. It's a bar first and foremost, so at the very least, you won't get hassled for coming in to do your business without actually doing any business.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On November 15, 2013, 9:10 am
What I Did in Here: Pissed away my buzz throughout the course of the evening.

Daegu Mae Wun Tang: sinuses cleared, bladder full.

This is my go-to spot in Koreatown before things get serious after 6 or 7 p.m. Yet I still come, even when the place gets packed, because by some miracle, the toilets are always clean, the toilet paper dispensers all work the way they're supposed to, and there are never more than two people in the bathroom at once.

The reason for that is there are only two toilets in the ladies room and the restroom itself is quite tiny. Once you open the door to the restroom, there's another door, a stall door, right in your face, which discourages any awkward lingering while listening to the tune of a stranger's tinkle. Since there's literally no waiting room, you stand outside the restroom in a relatively cozy nook, where no one really has to see you and the kitchen door isn't right at your back.

Fortunately, there seems to be a courtesy among patrons that if, for some reason, you don't make it into the bathroom before it reaches capacity, no one crowds you and you are almost always waiting outside by yourself. Maybe it's because people are starting to figure out that conversations initiated in toilet lines are the absolute worst.

So, yes. The bathroom's tiny. But once you get inside the stall, complaints should vanish. It's small, but clean. Not small enough that you're clutching the walls and cringing about it, but small and clean enough that if for some reason you have to touch something, you're not thinking about burning your fingertips and bathing in disinfectant.

Tips: If you're coming here to use the bathroom, you'd better be here to eat, because the hosts and servers are so endearingly attentive that you'll feel guilty for lying if you've come to shit n' ditch. If you've got your conscience in check, place a reservation and kindly ask if you can use the restroom. As I said: endearingly attentive. They probably won't say no. Shit and run if you must.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 15, 2013, 8:43 am
What I Did in Here: Let loose a flood or two.

Mala Curry Chicken & Fresh Squeezed Juice.

If you're the shy and private type, it doesn't get any better than this place. We're talking unprecedented privacy and cleanliness that may rival the standards of your own home.

This is a single serving bathroom, which ensures privacy, but also gives you the amenities and space you need to feel more like you've relieved yourself than compromised your humanity for the sake of a good meal.

The bathroom itself is huge. If you like to pace and floss, there's room for that. If you like to piss in packs, bring your friends. There's room for them, too. If you like to give yourself pep talks while pushing out that after-dinner turd, there's peace for that. In the many times that I've been here, there has never been a line. No need to rush.

I suspect part of the reason there's never a line for the bathroom is that some people may not know where the hell it is.

There's a small set of steps separating the main dining area from the bar. Head down those and past the bar to the back of the restaurant. Bathroom's on your right. Don't be discouraged by the kitchen proximity, the narrow hall, or the strange isolation: you're in the right place. Do what you came to do.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On November 15, 2013, 6:42 am
What I Did in Here: After dinner tea does a number on me, so I let 'er rip regularly.