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27 years old
A long time ago I came to New York with my family to watch the ball drop. A fun spectacular time for any young kid. Well another fun spectacular time that I had was having to use the bathroom just ten minutes before the ball actually dropped. I ran faster than Bolt, and I barely made it back in time to see that glowing nut drop. I'm telling you here and now, I will make sure that everyone in the city knows of the best spots that you wouldn't think of, because who doesn't like to have the inside scoop, when you poop.
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Bring your own TP. Prepare to

Bring your own TP. Prepare to wait on short line..

The reason I even waste my time on this bathroom review is that there is serious potential for improvement if TJ Maxx literally and figuratively gets their shit together. An efficient janitor needs to be hired as there was some old shit water splashed on the back of the toilet and the garbage probably hadn't been emptied in days. The bathroom is surprisingly fancy for a one person bathroom shoved in the back of a shoe dept of an off-price department store. And the people who shop there are quite civil. The elderly gentleman in front of me promised he would be quick and when he was finished, he assured me he put the seat down for me.

I don't like to write negative reviews, but this bathroom experience was especially upsetting because I really truly had to take a shit and I knew it was going to be a quick, easy dump that I could quickly pull off even with people waiting on me. That said, any one-person bathroom with both a wait and no toilet paper is going to earn itself one star max.

But I have the utmost faith that one day, TJ Maxx will not only be an excellent place to buy luxurious soap, but it will also be an excellent place to take a luxurious dump.

DoodyFreeGirls Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On January 8, 2014, 3:50 pm
What I Did in Here: guerilla marketing for Doody Free Girls

pizza, a bit of beer, some salad, chicken fetuchinni, excited

Last night, I came here to see "The Nutcracker," and the venue itself is exquisite, needless to say. Some of the top performers in the world debut here, and the toilets are impeccable. The only downside is that the men's room I used is only accessible on the second floor of the Koch theater, which means that one must be a paying customer to access it.

It was a fantastic night, and the toilet facilities were excellent to boot.
toiletfinder Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On December 7, 2013, 2:15 pm
What I Did in Here: made good use of the urinal


Summary - Run far, far away. I don't care how cheap their Christmas-themes socks are. You will contract Gonorrhea.

Well, well, well. So I picked-up boxing, and by picked it up I mean I payed for it but haven't gone, I digress.

So I need some more gym clothes, you know the ones that you buy that are baggy enough so that no one can tell that you are fat, but tight enough that it seems like you have made progress. (I had out eaten my other ones). So I thought well, I don't if I want to become a Maxxonista, or whatever ploy their marketing team is trying to suffocate me with. Savings. Great.

Or so I thought.

Ok before I get to the nasty excuses for a whole in the ground, I went looking for my fatnotfat clothes and camp upon some shorts and I looked down at that tag and it said "$100" and I said Hell to the naw.

I looked up and down that store so that I could cuss somebody out. How dare you, witcha nasty bathroom, charge me $100 so that I can kinda feel like i'm accomplishing something. They are GYM shorts. Not i'm going to the white house shorts, not I'm surfing in Hawaii and there are paparazzi taking my pictures shorts, these are regular ass shorts.

Ok so I was mad to say the least.

I said let me check out this bathroom. It's located just to the left of the "Sale" table. That's in quotes because i'm sure they will charge you just to look at it.

You go through the shoe "department". (Ok now i'm just putting quotes around things for fun) and then you arrive at a corner with a bunch of socks, thermal socks to be exact.

So I am waiting to use the bathroom. Confused as to why there is only one, but ok ok, I'll shut my mouth and wait.

I then begin to hear sounds of horror. Flush. Flush. Rumble. Flush. Someone coughing. (oh wait I think I started coughing) ok but regardless there was something going wrong in there.

So I finally hear the faucet and then out comes a woman, she was russian and she looked as though she had been through the cold war. she looked at her daughter, who was waiting in line ahead of me. And said something in russian, then "no good, no good."

I was in slight disbelief. So I said to myself "OOOOO, this is gonna be a good one.

I walk in there and the smell kicked me in the face, so I needed a moment to recover.

As my vision came back to me, I looked around and my eyes found the culprit. The toilet was clloooooggggggggeeeeeeedddd. So badly, I mean the picture doesn't even sum it up. It was a had to be there kind of thing.

I literally ran and ran and ran and ran until I reached freedom.

DON'T GO. DON'T GO. DO. NOT. GO. I would give this no stars if I could.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 24, 2013, 2:31 pm
What I Did in Here: Took a picture of the nastyness that occured.

New York water - from the faucet, nah it was from the sewer.

Summary: With McD's it's perfect or it looks like Hades took a flaming dump on your dreams of thinking about having a sanitary bathroom experience. This one was perfect (i'll find a Hades poop one for you)

So this is a very very very busy place in a really busy area. I had to wait, but there was only about two people in front of me.

If you want to dip in from your whore-mongering (don't even know what that actually is) this is a good place to go.

I mean it's McDonalds not the ritz, but they have stepped up their game. Dark tile on the walls (you know so they can hide the rats poop on the walls) It smelled nice and everything was well stocked.

Great job corporate 'merica for giving us all the runs and a clean place to put that soupy mess when it comes out, two minutes from now. . . . uhoh I mean right now.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 24, 2013, 2:03 pm
What I Did in Here: Had Crack - aka Mcdonalds Fries


Summary: It smells like a castle full of magic, mixed with a sprinkle of joy and touch of childhood.

First off, if you have a soul at all. If you posses humanity in your bones, just go to this store. It puts you in the right mood to ya know, let the magic flow through you.

So you go up the escalator and there are all of these wood carvings on the walls, with special characters from disney, (you are going to go yourself so I won't ruin the fun of finding them for you) Then there are lanterns on the ceiling the entire way up (the one's from Tangled) It's just so amazing, like a ride, a tunnel before you reach an explosion of happiness. It looks like something from Harry Potter. SO many displays playing disney movies, and songs lightly in tune with your happy shopping mood. There are tree's made of bears and bears made of smaller bears.

It's space after space of creative and thoughtful childhood memories.

Ok now for the pooper.

So you have to go all the way to the back of the store, like all the way back. I got lost twice.

So you go down this hallway and then there they are.

I walked in and I just stopped. The design is subtle, but so tasteful. I smells so nice and was so clean, but it's disney so what else would you expect.

There is this design on the walls and for some reason it felt like the start to a disney movie.


Poop and be free!

if you don't like it then you are probably Cruela Devil or like Scar or something.

Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 24, 2013, 1:40 pm
What I Did in Here: Try to steal the delorean so I could go back in time to be a child again

Bubble tape & Auntie Anne's. Feeling: Jittery, fat.

I remembered Cowpie09's review last night when I was passing through Times Square. Peeing in a Toys R Us seemed like a pretty novel idea. That, and I also remembered they had all kinds of silly candy. I have really poor impulse control and an overactive bladder. How could I resist?

They openly advertise that there are restrooms on the second floor, so I had no fear of reprisal if an employee caught me making a beeline for the crapper.

Take a right after exiting the escalator. Simply stroll through the baby products section until you see a canary yellow alcove. You can't miss the hallway, really. The wafting smell of highly-concentrated air freshener will hit your nostrils before you even see it.

The first thing I spied when I entered the restroom was a giant, cartoonish eye peeking out from the first stall. Upon closer examination, I could tell it was none other than Mickey Mouse. Was he drunk? Sleeping? Sick? No, kids. Mickey Mouse took off his head because he needed to take a giant dump.

Maybe my expectations were a tad too high, but after witnessing a beloved symbol of my childhood drop a deuce, the Toys R Us bathroom decor abruptly became dim and depressing. Some lazy handyman, in an attempt to freshen up the place, slapped some off-white primer on the stall doors. The overall effect is gloomy. Even the playful, bright green tiles that adorn the walls aren't enough to salvage the atmosphere.

Decor aside, the Toys R Us bathroom is functional. Ease of access and relative cleanliness make it one of the safer bets for answering the call of nature than most options in Times Square.
TheDestroyer Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 23, 2013, 1:31 pm
What I Did in Here: Took a leak, had childhood illusions shattered

Expensive things

Summary: To just walk into a place like this to use the bathroom is actually easier than you think. It's very upscale, but it's so upscale that it would be beneath them to actually deny you the service of using the bathroom.

The Modern, a pretty pricey upscale endeavor. It's not Per Se or Jean-George, but it will do.

The menu is full of Alsatian inspired dishes, which is fancy way of saying french food from france. Now after you eat about $70 worth of the parisian itself, you may or may not have to relieve yourself. The interesting part about this place is that, the bathroom is unisex. You would probably expect that since you could potentially be spending upwards of $700 on a date in the dining room and above $7000 in the Private dining area, that the whole communal sinks would be a thing of the past. Well you would be wrong fancy man, you would be wrong.

The bathroom is located at the back of the restaurant near the large green mural. You will most likely bump into other people of the same sex who look about as confused as you are that you will be going into the same bathroom,but hey when in france.

It's a very sheek layout that is all white. Separate sinks on the wall and on the opposite wall are doors. About 6 of them. Each door has a small room and in that room, you will poop. So lets call them poop rooms. When you go into your poop room a light will illuminate on the outside of the door so that people know you are pooping and that your poop room is off poop limits. At least for now. It's not the most spacious, but it is clean. Very, very clean. Ok get out of your poop room and go to the sink where you will either see a famous person, or some old lady with much too much plastic surgery and perfume on. Wash your hands. Twice. Then leave and pretend that you didn't just poop.

You have now been trained to poop fancy-like. Good for you.

It's fancy, but the unisex bathroom is slightly off-putting for such a nice restaurant.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 18, 2013, 8:37 pm
What I Did in Here: The same thing I did in the Bar Room, cuz it's the same bathroom.


Summary: There are many toilets within the entire Lincoln Center. The one I will specifically speak of is the public one under the entire facility. It's uh, well, nothing to name the 16th president after.

For those of you with dreams of becoming a member of the Avengers, look no further. Or should I say you will have to look much harder. Finding this place is sort of like stepping into shoes of Robinson Crusoe (maybe not). When you do make your way down here, you expect some sort of great reveal for all your trouble, and yet like the adventurer himself, you might find it wasn't worth all the trouble.

The way that I got down here was by entering through the Met Opera Gift Shop. So if you go straight you will go down the stairs and then to the right. From there you will find yourself feeling very alone. As you will see that there is an entire underground road here. Seriously watch where you are going you literally could get the crap knocked out of you.

So you continue forward and turn left. You will walk past a very long glass wall. Except the wall has several sliding doors, so don't be shocked when everything starts moving. When you reach the end of this glass way, you will see some kinda trendy pictures for men and women. Namely that neither of them have arms (art, uh, I guess it's like Picasso and his ear thing) So it's all black and lights are dramatic. It didn't smell to bad, but one of the urinals was covered with clear tarp like a Dexter episode, so i'm not too confident I will be going back here.

I will be reviewing all of the bathrooms in the entire Lincoln Center, but for now I would stay away from the basement of horrors.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 18, 2013, 6:29 pm
What I Did in Here: Found the entrance to S.H.E.I.L.D.

Lobster ravioli, feeling relaxed and content

A big thanks to the previous squatter that discovered this venue. Farting before a #2 loosens the stools a bit, and makes the experience more pleasurable. I had a truly great experience here. It was almost like entering a hotel room. Everything was nice and spacious. The towels were clean. The toilet itself is readily accessible. 5 stars.
toadstool1024 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 18, 2013, 12:49 pm
What I Did in Here: #2 and #1, farted a little bit, too

The Power Rangers, you know the one before they got stupid

Summary: If you are in Time's Square just go here and pretend to poop if you have too. If not for the clean, Reptar green color, for the sheer spectacle of childhood.

This is the epicenter of a child's dream world. When you walk in there is a ferris wheel. A ferris wheel in the middle of the store. Do not go down the escalator unless that's where you are headed. Then ride like the wind!

The bathroom is located on the second floor. If you take the escalator you take a right and follow the railing all the way around until you see the Baby's R Us sign. If you see the Baby Bjorn you're on the right track. You could also use the elevator and you just take a left.

Now the bathroom itself isn't the Ritz, but it's Reptar green, what else do you want. Considering that this is a kid's store it was very clean and smelled like the pine tree's of Colorado. Well maybe not that fresh, but I would have no problem using it.

Now the real problem truly will be getting up there. Besides me walking down memory lane with every lego set and Zord around, I literally had to dodge the 6 different flying contraptions that were flying overhead. The employee's must take bets as to how close they can fly them or how many people they can bump into without getting fired because I saw at least 3 vict- I mean customers get more than they bargained for.

My advice is to pop in here whenever you have the chance. If you don't have to go, just pretend you do and walk around. Just watch your head.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 18, 2013, 2:18 am
What I Did in Here: Relived my childhood