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A variety of indistinguishable meats, starches, and pathogens

Not to be arrogant, but I'm pretty good at determining the ingredients in a dish through a simple taste.

Eating here at Old Country Buffet, I couldn't help but realize that the majority of their dishes' seasonings seemed to be
more easily found in the medicine cabinet as opposed to the spice rack.

Based on the effects that the food had on my gastrointestinal tract, I presumed
that they let the chicken simmer slowly in a mild, Milk of Magnesia sauce. The beef was most likely tenderized using a dry rub consisting of two parts Metamucil and one part Miralax.

Either way, feeling my intestines purring and curling up like a kitten on a bear skin rug, I decided to trot away to the little
girl's room.

Upon entering the bathroom, I was met with a buffet of a different kind: A wide array of excrement in varying shades, and aromas lay in a thin broth of pungent urine.

All on the bathroom floor.

As my feet sloshed through the stew-y goodness, I couldn't help but observe that the toilets were, in actuality, significantly cleaner than the bathroom floor itself.


I briefly considered the possibility of sparing myself the hassle of levitating over the toilet. Perhaps I should simply drop trou and relieve myself on the bathroom floor? This place was, after all, the human equivalent of a litter box.

And then it dawned on me.

Perhaps the true objective of Old Country Buffet is not to provide an enjoyable dining experience.

It seems Old Country Buffet is actually a cover for the Health and Wellness Unit of the Census Bureau whose true purpose is to collect the stool samples of a wide multitude of the Tri-state area in
an effort to better understand and provide for it's population's digestive needs. Ah ha!

The jig is up, Old Country Buffet.
GinaBambina Female, 29 years old.
Levittown, New York
On November 16, 2013, 11:15 pm
What I Did in Here: Twosies

Fantasy Rolls accompanied with Plum Wine. Divine.

After my third glass of Plum Wine, the sudden, urgent and all too familiar sensation of impending urethral evacuation overwhelmed me.

The waiter directed me to an ominous set of stairs that led down into a seemingly dark and troubling abyss.

As I walked deeper and deeper into the isolated and baleful chasm, I questioned my ability to suppress the inevitable.

Should I turn back? Could I bare to continue? The deep and flagrant sensation in my abdomen answered.

I went on.

As I hesitantly twisted the knob and entered into the facility, a familiar and yet unexpected feeling surrounded me. Euphoria? Happiness perhaps?

Relief.

The faint smell of Jasmine greeted my eager nose. The soft and soothing sounds of New Age music blessed my ears. The wallpaper, lavishly adorned with images of orchids, was quite appealing to my eyes.

My pelvis began to ache. My legs trembled.

I felt my body prematurely give way to the inexorable.

The toilet paper was ample and soft. The Asian Vessel Sink with its intense water pressure served as a greatly appreciated antidote to the overzealous, bodily expulsion whose unwelcome remnants remained upon my hands.

Pretty damned good bathroom.
GinaBambina Female, 29 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 16, 2013, 6:08 pm
What I Did in Here: Onesies

Every single goodie I could buy.

Summary: Yes please. Yes. That's all. Eat a scone and use the bathroom. You will not regret it.

I live right near this place and at one point I locked myself out of my apartment and it turned out to be the perfect little hang out until my roommate returned. Which happened to be 5 hours laters, but I digress.

You see I can't just use the bathroom anywhere. No, that is my time. And I want my time to be nice. Well if you are like me, and for those of you who are normal, Le Pain Quotidien is just the place for you. They have a bunch of locations around the city and they are basically the same. The bathroom here is private and it's nice and cozy.

It has that special quality of a place that the treats are so good you eat just so you can use the bathroom. You might think i'm crazy i'm not. Well.

Just try it once and I know you will feel that same way.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 3:26 pm
What I Did in Here: Ate 30000 pounds of sugar.

Joy, pure joy and 12 Years A Slave- which was not so much

Summary: Well this place is about 8 billion stories high and you should arrive 20 minutes before to make your movie, but there are so many bathrooms that the family from 29 and Counting could each have their own. And they would be happy there.

I just love the movie theatre, especially a movie theatre with clean bathrooms. And this place really takes the cake. There are so many bathrooms here and from the one's that I looked at they were very well maintained, no smell, well stocked and the lighting was a thing of beauty.

For directions you literally just turn around and your knee deep in toilet water. They are everywhere. The problem is, and it's not really a problem, because how else do you fit 26 movie theatre's in a building in Times Square, but it just takes so long to get upstairs! There are about 30 escalators and heaven forbid one of them is out you will be walking stair for days.

I mean I still wouldn't eat my popcorn in there. So if you have about 20 minutes to burn to actually get to one go for it, but there are probably easier access else where.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 3:03 pm
What I Did in Here: Cried in a movie theatre. And then I pooped in one.

A wrap. And not one by Biggie Smalls.

Summary: For such a small place, with such great food and attention to detail, you would think someone would check the bathroom every once in a while. You know, for stank smells!

So your walking around Lincoln Center and you want a bite to eat right. Oh there is Europan! Awesome, well maybe for the food, but the bathroom, i'll leave that up to you.

It located in the back of the restaurant where there is the stock room. So I go in there and boy oh boy oh boy. It's not Ovaltine. The bathroom was clean enough, and it looked nice, but like so many others the smell was bad enough for me to have to leave the bathroom.

I am not asking them to instal a new venting system, but they should invest in some kind of smell management. Like any kind. I'll take a fan for all I care.

Maybe I have high standards, but I am for the people, and I want your alone time, to be, if not enjoyable, at least doable.

Cowpie - out.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 2:55 pm
What I Did in Here: Decided that I don't like the scones anymore.

Upside-down Tuna Tartare - Pretty fancy

Summary: To just walk into a place like this to use the bathroom is actually easier than you think. It's very upscale, but it's so upscale that it would be beneath them to actually deny you the service of using the bathroom.

The Modern, a pretty pricey upscale endeavor. It's not Per Se or Jean-George, but it will do.

The menu is full of Alsatian inspired dishes, which is fancy way of saying french food from france. Now after you eat about $70 worth of the parisian itself, you may or may not have to relieve yourself. The interesting part about this place is that, the bathroom is unisex. You would probably expect that since you could potentially be spending upwards of $700 on a date in the dining room and above $7000 in the Private dining area, that the whole communal sinks would be a thing of the past. Well you would be wrong fancy man, you would be wrong.

The bathroom is located at the back of the restaurant near the large green mural. You will most likely bump into other people of the same sex who look about as confused as you are that you will be going into the same bathroom,but hey when in france.

It's a very sheek layout that is all white. Separate sinks on the wall and on the opposite wall are doors. About 6 of them. Each door has a small room and in that room, you will poop. So lets call them poop rooms. When you go into your poop room a light will illuminate on the outside of the door so that people know you are pooping and that your poop room is off poop limits. At least for now. It's not the most spacious, but it is clean. Very, very clean. Ok get out of your poop room and go to the sink where you will either see a famous person, or some old lady with much too much plastic surgery and perfume on. Wash your hands. Twice. Then leave and pretend that you didn't just poop.

You have now been trained to poop fancy-like. Good for you.

It's fancy, but the unisex bathroom is slightly off-putting for such a nice restaurant.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 2:36 pm
What I Did in Here: Discovered the word "poop room".

6 Irish Car-bombs, a screwdriver and some tequila

Summary: This is an airplane inspired bar, so with enough alcohol you will believe that you are actually flying. Especially when tequila is involved.

So here I am pretty was-ted. This is about the fourth bar that me and my friend went too. So let's just say I was a little buzzed.

There is like an airplane wing on the wall and all this stuff from airports all over the place. So I'm feeling a little air-sick myself. I stumble to the bathroom, after eating about 45 wings.

When I tell you that for a moment I seriously thought I was in an airplane. I shit. You not. The bathroom is located directly at the back of the bar. So I'm back there tweaking out.

You go in and you hear the inside of an airplane. The sound that is made because the cabin is pressurized because at high altitu - oh you know this stuff. So i'm standing there waiting for my ear's to pop. Then, a voice of a flight attendant, telling me to buckle my seat. Well it was very sobering moment as I reached around the toilet seat only to find that someone had left something back there, and it couldn't have come from earth. So I look around and it's dark in there. I mean really dark. I look down at the toilet seat and it's barely on the seat at all, and then I look for toilet paper. And I got what I was looking for. One piece of toilet paper. Be careful what you ask for.

So if your waisted or just bored, this is a fun bathroom to pop into, but I don't know if I would actually use the bathroom there. Unless you know, they clean the thing from the abyss from behind it.

What can you expect from a flight theme bar in Chelsea though? (Insert airplane related pun to tie all of this together)
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 2:15 pm
What I Did in Here: Wished I hadn't done anything.

A cookie from yo mama.

Summary: They know how to make a Quad Grande, Non Fat, Extra Hot Caramel Macchiato Upside Down, and they know how to keep a bathroom clean.

Well look at you Starbuck's. Serving millions of cups of coffee a day and not forgetting to put the seat down. This is an extremely busy area and this place is no exception. So I would go here early afternoon on a weekday if you gotta go.

The decor inside of the restaurant is the basic, "I just threw up a latte on the walls" but it has got some charm. The restroom, which is private (ooo, baby say that one more time), has the same decor. The door that is closest to the Duane Reade lets you B-line right to the bathroom. I had no problem just walking in. The bathroom smell nice and was stocked and very clean. It's like an episode of Celebrity Rehab when no one has snuck in drug in the rectums. A fun time.

I might even drink my Tall, Half-Caff, Soy Latte At 120 Degrees in here.

Hahaha yeah right.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 1:54 pm
What I Did in Here: An unexpectedly pleasant time.

A false sense of security, aka, a churro

Summary: This place is about as crowded as a M. Night Shamalan movie premiere. And the bathroom is nice too. Double-Rainbow.

Ah furniture. If you are buying it from an actual place and not ikea, you are probably an adult. But if you still have that Borgis table that you bought and came in 37 pieces, but you want to feel classy. I'd dip in here for a nice round of play-pretend and a place to dump your troubles. Or at least your lunch.

So first I will talk about the bathroom, then I will tell you a true story that involves me shipping a couch from china. So the bathroom is nice, nothing special, but it does the job. it's on the second floor right off the elevator, you can see it if you just keep walking straight. It's clean stocked for the most part, except for the cleverly (not) named "Rest Assured" toilet liners which where gone. I'm going to just grasp at straws here and say that I don't think it's because of all of the people that use the restroom here, and chalk it up to a lack of caring.

So about this couch from china. I was walking around my neighborhood looking for place to review and I walked in here. I will actually redact my M Night Shamalan statement from above and say that he has more people come to his premiere's as the entire staff was huddled at the bottom of the escalator. So when I walked in, they smelled blood and one of them walked over to me and asked what I was looking for. Instead of just asking about where the bathroom was, I kind of panicked, and said, "I just moved in down the street and I need a sectional". So we headed up stairs. I fervently searched for the bathroom so I could use it. No such luck. So I decided why not just play along. This employee and I looked at about 15 couches, each of which either was too small, or not nice enough for my new loft across the way. The employee then asked me, "Well, what are you looking for then?" I blurt out that my contractor had a custom coach from china made with ornamental wood-carvings built into the sides of the couch and that it would take 3 weeks for it to arrive here and how I thought that was too long. Well . . . they believed me. I am a pretty good liar in these situations so i felt pretty good. So I decided to take this opportunity to ask where the bathroom was.

I sneak away and, like I said above, it's nice, nothing to grand, needs more toilet liners. There was that faint smell of those gel air fresheners that had been out way too long.

So then I get the bright idea to make up a language and pretend to talk to someone on the phone for five minutes.

Then I leave. Whew. Another day, another poop, another made up alternate reality in which I have a couch being shipped from china.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 1:38 pm
What I Did in Here: Lied and pooped.

Chai Tea Latte, Steak Salad, Turkey Sandwich -UHG

Summary: While the atmosphere of this Panera is of holiday perfection, the smell of the bathroom does take away from the over all appeal of the cinnamon stick smell they shove up your nose.

Ok, so the bathroom is located in the back of the restaurant on the first floor.

Now, let me just start by saying something maybe controversial. Panera is better than Starbucks. If you don't like it, suck on a big toe, cuz it's true. I would rather poop out something from Panera which was made with some form of love, then whatever they shoot in my mouth as they rush me out of the door at the Buck of Star.

Let me defend myself. Panera has the warmest air about them. The lighting (Which by now, you know I care about) is so perfect it makes me cry tears of peppermint latte's. It's so open and you can smell the bread as you walk in the door. I once took the subway at 8pm just to go back and eat more from this place. Old Saint Nick would be proud to make some cocoa cookies from the cinnamon crunch bagels in this beautimous place.

Ok now for the bathroom, that's why we're here. So I will just say that all it would really take is a little spritz of some kind of something to make this bathroom perfect.

To start off, it is a private bathroom. Now hold on wait a minute. Yes yes and yes. We all have those times where we have to deliver the baby, but we don't want to whole world to hear the birthing of this monstrous beast. So a private bathroom is so perfect, especially since you can just walk in here and use the restroom without anyone harassing you. Now the bathroom has nice tile all around it and the lights in the bathroom are shaded with a warm caramel glow. It's a big bitch too. I mean it has junk in the trunk and all the sides. You could fit like 15 people in there maybe. I say maybe because half of those people would have to be midgets. Moving on.

Ok stop moving. We have arrived. Arrived at the one crucial fault with nearly perfect bathrooms. The smell.

Maybe I am jaded because I was just so sucked into the allure of the rest of the place. I mean it has two floors for java sake. So I decided. "Ok I will take my Chai tea in here. What a wonderful plac-" Silence.

Two tears fell from my eyes. One fell for the wonderful and thoughtfully built bathroom that stood before me. The other fell because the smell that I smelt was bitter and full of disappointment. I turn around twice. And I just couldn't do it.

They say never meet your hero's, because they will always disappoint you. Well they were right.

So much potential, so little fabreze.
Cowpie09 Male, 27 years old.
New York, New York
On November 16, 2013, 1:09 pm
What I Did in Here: Met a wonderful person just to find out, they are European.

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