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cheeseburger and am slowly regaining consciousness

After getting suckered into a last minute happy hour, I found myself chatting with a woman and I didn't want to leave. I had a few drinks and a couple of appetizers and eventually found my way to the restroom (several times).

I don't recommend drinking if this is your first time finding your way to the toilet. You have to maneuver to an odd place in the back of the restaurant and up a ramp. If you do plan on drinking, I recommend starting in the bathroom and then find your way to a table later. Going down the ramp and finding the seating area in the restaurant is a lot easier.

When you make your way into the bathroom, the first thing you will notice is your perceived double vision as two men with their backs to each other urinate. The urinals are on walls opposite each other with the toilets just past them. Depending on your needs, you will either have to stand ass to ass with a man or shimmy your way through to get to the stall. I tried to remember skills I picked up playing operation as a child and not touch either of these guys when I slid through.

The urinal situation is not ideal especially if you are a large man such as I am and will most likely back into the other large man after using the urinal.

I would not wait until the last minute to get to the toilet if it is #2 that is signalling you. With only one stall in the restaurant, you will mostly end up having an accident or whatever is in you will turn into a diamond from the wait.

In closing, the wings are good but make sure to plan ahead and use the facilities at work before hitting happy hour here.
DCAristocrap Male, 36 years old.
On December 2, 2013, 3:12 pm
What I Did in Here: a little bit of everything

Grilled chicken and salad. I feel light and amazing.

I asked the waitress where the restroom was and she pointed towards the kitchen. And sure enough the unisex restroom door was across from the kitchen opening. Automatically intimidating because if I really needed to pop a squat, that means the smell will waft right to the kitchen and to people's food. That's a lotta pressure.

There was no line or wait. And it's a private squat, which I enjoy. Just me, a toilet and a sink — it's my second favorite threesome combination (the first one involves cupcakes). It was clean and smelled really really good (hmmm...maybe to mitigate the smells that could seep into the kitchen and dining room?). Then the small problems appeared.

First, the black toilet seat was black, so it would be hard to tell if it's clean. Secondly, it was broken. Like a piece of it was missing. So if I did want to aromatically contaminate the kitchen, this would prove quite inconvenient, as I might have to hover (which I might have done, anyway, because I don't recall seeing covers).

Second, they were out of paper towels, which means I had to air dry. Only awkward if you have to shake hands upon leaving. I didn't. I told the busboy and I assume he took care of that problem.

Overall, it was really clean and I wouldn't hesitate to wash my hands or take a leak. But I wouldn't do a BM for a couple of reasons. Unless the food was bad. I'd take a dump en lieu of a Yelp review. Does that make me mean? The food wasn't bad.
namebrandnyc Male, 36 years old.
New York, New York
On December 2, 2013, 2:56 pm
What I Did in Here: Emptied my bladder, washed my hands

Cans of cans of cans of beer

Union Pool has the unenviable job of mitigating the dual desires of men and women in one too-brutal queue. At night when the place is bumping the line moves quickly enough but won't be any shorter than a dozen people. Mind over bladder, as they say.

The facilities are a sort of cul-de-sac of toilets, with a few cubes for the ladies and a party room of urinals at the end of the line for the men. The saloon doors reading "men only" that one must walk through add a certain je ne sais quoi. Very old world, mens only club as a sort of pee-stench saloon. This, truly, must have been what the wild west was like.

Generally, the place is pretty clean considering the traffic, but they have to contend with the unstoppable flow of humanity. By no fault of its own, Union Pool loses a battle with the whizzing hoards. They get an A for effort, but the place will never be a palatial spot to unload in ease.
GradeABomb Male, 30 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On December 2, 2013, 2:12 pm
What I Did in Here: High powered drunk peeing

I just ate two slices of pizza and I feel great

How I landed here was by train. The blue or the orange line will get you here in good time. The placed smelled like the great outdoors and there were birds and homeless people walking and sleeping everywhere. As I walked, people stoped and stared as I squatted and wiped some brown stuff from my rearend, which appeared after I sat in a bedbug infested chair. Some of the things at this flea market were new but most were old ranging from tennis shoes to items for your pets and future ex. I had a lot of fun even though I didn't purchase anything.I actually would do it again, but the next time I'm B.M.O. chair.
GtG87 Female, 30 years old.
On December 1, 2013, 11:49 pm
What I Did in Here: went to the flea market

enveloped a small spinach pie, feeling queasy and uneasy

A northwesterly located toilet (from the front door) was wedged between what I took to be the kitchen area, and uncomfortably close to the nearest tables. In the dire state of lower intestine discomfort I was experiencing, this lack of privacy was a necessary evil. The loo itself was sparsely decorated, highlighted by an artificial tree ( as if the frail trunk and synthetic leaves could comfort me through my calamitous crap).

Two aspects of this ass emptying atrium were specifically disturbing:

a.) The lack of sufficient lighting. There is no faster way to discourage delightful defecation than through the dimly lit, dungeonous casting of this particular depository.

b.) The utter fragility of the supplied paper. This toilet tissue was unfit even for gift wrapping. It seemed to evaporate as i panted to propel my protruded offering. All efforts to unravel the papyrus left me with a frayed, pathetic handful of confetti. I conceded and cleaned myself with jagged paper towels, conveniently stored in my stall.

The redeeming quality here was an elaborate and vast mirror, which lulled me into a narcissistic trance for a lengthy time period. Combined with the lack of lighting, complexity of my bowels and the toils with my toilet paper, I spent an inordinate amount of time in this shit hole. However, I thank Roscoe's for reminding me that even people of radiant beauty like myself, sometimes produce putrid excrement.

All and all, this is a foul den. The food is tasty, but avoid the restroom with your life.
Poophoria729 Male, 27 years old.
Takoma Park, Maryland
On December 1, 2013, 5:26 pm
What I Did in Here: Violently Shat. Washed hands. Admired myself in the mirror. Departed.

filet mingon- I feel very full

It's almost against nature that humans still have to use the bathroom in such a classy joint. I mean this place is where the who's who of people who have poop that doesn't stink. I can vouch for this because it did not smell at all. The bathroom is cleaner than your local hospital and a hell of a lot prettier! Maybe this is where and why the say of your poop doesn't stink originated? (epiphany)
Stalls are clean and roomy. If there is one thing I hate it is a stall where you are so cramped you can't pull the insanely thin toilet paper out of the 300 pound roll of toilet paper dispenser because it keeps tearing. We do not have that issue here.

Also there isn't anything more awkward but of course still fancy, when you wash your hands and a stranger hands you a paper towel. (tips given) I am wondering are rich people suffering from atrophy that doesn't allow them to pull a paper towel out of a dispenser? If so, that lady is saving lives and germs by handing out towels.

I don't know about you but I am not comfortable going to the bathroom with a paid audience!
Ellen Female, 50 years old.
West Orange, New Jersey
On November 30, 2013, 5:42 pm
What I Did in Here: liquid business

Grande skinny vanilla latte, feeling relieved

I once read that people think better on a full bladder. Therefore whenever I'm attempting to bang out ten or twenty pages for an important project, I make sure that I am on the verge of having to pee. This is probably why the best writers enjoy their beverages so much.

While sitting in front of my laptop on a full bladder in the University Plaza Starbucks as I sipped my overpriced, over-saccharine beverage out of a cup with my name misspelled on the side, the urge suddenly became too much. I had to go.

I looked around to see if anyone appeared shady enough to steal my laptop. I decided that no one did, but asked a woman sitting next to me if she would "watch it" anyway. With a clear conscience, I skipped to the loo.

The mirror on the wall outside of the bathroom is one of those big mirrors that makes you say, "hot dang" from virtually all angles. If only the mirror inside the bathroom was as friendly. Nope. That mirror is small and terrible, and the lighting doesn't help. I went from babe to zombie just by walking through a door. But I wasn't in there to stare at myself, no. I was in there to pee.

Toilet paper? Check.
The big roll kind? Check.
Clean toilet? Check.
Handicap bar? Check.

Sink? Soap? Paper towels? Check, check and check. This bathroom gets the job done. Just remember not to take your reflection personally.

As for my laptop, it was still there. The woman I asked to watch it, however, was not.
everybodypoops Female, 25 years old.
Vestal, New York
On November 28, 2013, 10:29 pm
What I Did in Here: peed, wondered if I would get robbed

bbq ribs, spicy wings, relieved

Not only does this specific venue have some of the best bbq ribs on the planet, its toilet is very spacious and clean. I came here with my family, not really knowing what to expect, but I found everything to be very well-kept, and they were friendly to everything: customers and non-customers alike. It's easy enough to come off as a customer and sneak into the toilet here. The accessibility and cleanliness are highly recommended. I cannot emphasize this enough.

After a full bbq meal with cornbread, wings, and the works, I started feeling a little bloated, and so I wearily made my way to the men's toilet. They have a couple of stalls in here, and thankfully none of them were occupied. That was when I unzipped and unwound. I literally spent a good 20 minutes massaging different sections of my cheeks in different positions to coax at least 3 fist/apple-sized products out of my poor rear. Afterwards, I could barely flush the mess away, and I made several futile attempts before it finally went away.

Despite the fact that this was certainly not a pleasant experience, I have nothing bad to say about this venue's toilet at all.
JuicyFoot Male, 45 years old.
New York, New York
On November 27, 2013, 2:42 pm
What I Did in Here: I produced several hefty fist-sized products.

Large Cappuccino, feeling frothy

I lie to my mother every time I visit the Tea Lounge. It's not that she hates tea, or live Jazz bands, it's that she has a problem with their toilet.

The one and only time I brought my mom to the Tea Lounge, she headed straight for the restroom. She poked her head in, turned on the light, emitted a gagging sound loud enough for other customers to hear, walked over to me, held me by the shoulders and with tears in her eyes said, "It's disgusting, never come back here."

"But Mom, they have so many types of tea,"
"I don't want to hear it."
"But Mom--"
"I raised you better than this."

So when the next week my friend asked me to meet up with her for coffee, I had to slink out of my house and promise that I wasn't going back to that "disgusting hell-hole."

My mother has high standards. It's true that the loo at the Tea Lounge could use some scrubbing. Sure, it smells faintly of urine and off-brand soap and there are paper towels snaked around the floor and the door is so far away from the toilet that you worry about your ability to rush to hold it closed in case you forget to lock it and someone tries to barge in on your number two.
Nevertheless, it's a spacious lavatory with a plentiful amount of patron-provided reading material scribbled on the walls, and even comes equipped with a handicap bar, which I will admit, I've used to level myself down onto the toilet a time or two after a run around Prospect Park. Most of the time, there's toilet paper, although the last time I went I was met with the blank face of an empty TP tube.

Always, BYOTP.
everybodypoops Female, 25 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On November 27, 2013, 12:23 am
What I Did in Here: peed, lied to my mother

I ate a good stuffed peppers dinner here. Feeling full.

The toilet here is in the basement, down ancient back stairs that are narrow and steep. This is the dangerous part of your trip--if you make it down without falling and cracking your skull, you'll find a fairly large, clean bathroom with toilet paper and that ubiquitous pink liquid soap that always drips on the sink. The garbage can is adequate, and usually not overflowing.
There's room to stretch your legs--unlike some of the closet-sized bathrooms in some restaurants. It has the old-fashioned type of hand dryer that doesn't blow very well, so eventually you have to give up and use a wad of toilet paper instead, which sticks to your hands leaving bits of white fluff.
Then you have to make your way back up the stairs, the final survival test.
rainshine Female, 64 years old.
Sunnyside, New York
On November 26, 2013, 7:03 pm
What I Did in Here: Um, what you're supposed to do in a bathroom.

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